For Pete's Sake!

In honor of my Mom's birthday today, I'm posting the script for the Listen to Your Mother Show from April of 2014

          When the email arrived with the time and date for the audition of the show – Listen To Your Mother, I sat back and thought to myself, “now what am I going to say?” But before I could finish the question, my mother's voice could be heard loud and clear: “And for Pete's sake, spruce yourself up!”

         Yeah, I rolled my eyes, but then I realized that Mom had just written my piece for me – I would talk about some of her expressions.

Like “for Pete's sake, spruce yourself up!” this came about one evening when I was about eleven years old. Mom was reading the newspaper which she liked to do thoroughly, including the horoscopes. “Listen to this,” Mom said, “Your father's horoscope for tomorrow says 'for Pete's sake, spruce yourself up!'”

          Now this was funny for two reasons. First, it was quirky! The wording was unlike anything we had ever seen in the Buffalo Evening News before or since. And secondly, it was Dad's horoscope? Dad never needed to be told to spruce himself up. He always looked pretty good.

         So a few minutes later, when Dad walked into the room and Mom yelled, “For Pete's sake, spruce yourself up!” we all had a good laugh, and a new family expression came into being.

         Then there's the story of Fondly Elaine. It was holiday time, and Christmas cards were arriving in the mail every day. Mom picked up one envelope, opened the card, and at the top inside it said, “Dear Jim,” my father's name. And at the bottom was written “Fondly, Elaine.” With just a little bit of steam coming out of Mom's ears, she handed the card to Dad and said, “Who is Fondly Elaine?”

         Dad looked at the card and the name. And then he explained that must be the new woman at the office at the company where Dad worked as a salesman. An innocent enough explanation. But now we had a name for the unknown. Whenever something was missing – perhaps Fondly Elaine took it. If there was car trouble – maybe Fondly Elaine tampered with it. Any mystery at all could have Fondly Elaine's name attached to it – and the unknown is not quite as scary when it has a silly name, don't you think?

          And then there is Garfield. You all know who Garfield is, right? The cat from the comic pages, again, from the newspaper? He likes lasagna and lives with Jon and Odie? Well for about the last thirty years of Mom's life she wore a Garfield watch whenever she went out. She put the watch on her wrist, and because Mom had impeccable timing, she would wait.            She never brought attention to the watch. But she would wait. And wait. And then invariably it would happen. It could be the checkout lady at the Kroger grocery store. It could be the man standing behind Mom at the Kroger grocery store. It could be the teller at the bank, the pharmacist, the nurse at the doctor's office, the doctor. At some point someone would ask, “What's that on your watch?” And Mom would spring into action, “That's Garfield.”

           And because her timing was so great, Mom would wait two seconds. One. Two. And then she would say, “Did you ever notice, how cute Garfield is ..... at 6:30?”

Then Mom would look at the face of the person who had asked about the watch, and Mom would know if the person had gotten the joke; she would know if the person had not gotten the joke; and she would know if the person had not gotten the joke but was pretending to get the joke. And she would revel in all three reactions.

          The last time I heard Mom do her Garfield routine, we were at the doctor's office, making an appointment for Mom's next visit. The appointment woman asked Mom what was on her watch. And as Mom told her joke, I groaned, and the appointment woman laughed. And then the appointment woman pointed at me and said, “You be nice to your mother. She's funny!”

          I said, “yes, yes she is!”

          After my Mom passed away, I found three Garfield watches in her house. I set each one to 6:30. And I took two of them and put each in its own shadow box and gave them to my daughters for Christmas that year. I am hoping that Garfield reminds them of their Grandma Mary. And I am hoping that it reminds them that there are three things they need to do if they are going out.

          First, take a ray of sunshine with you to share with others, like a Garfield watch.

          Second, do not be afraid of the unknown! It is only Fondly Elaine.

          And third, but most important of all, if you are going out – if you are going anywhere at all – for Pete's sake, spruce yourself up!!!

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