Tongues

        It was probably when I was around ten years old. I remember lying in bed at night in the house on Heinrich Road. And I was no longer in the upper bunk but rather in the single bed across the room. I was almost never tired when my parents said it was time to go to bed – I imagined it had been that way for every ten-year old since time began. I assumed it was because of the too early hour for bedtime that caused my lying awake for what seemed like forever and not my lack of physical exercise during the day. I was bored.

            A new past-time occurred to me while lying in bed wide awake - in my mind I went over the events of the day, mainly stuff that happened in school with the teacher or classmates. And then I would redo conversations. In the replay of these conversations I came off as oh so smart. I gave the response that shut everyone else up – if the discussion was more of an argument or a trade of insults, well my new responses while re-enacting them in bed, were just brilliant! Why couldn't I be that smart during the day? Well I knew why I was not that stellar during the day – my parents would have told me to watch my mouth, teachers or classmates would say something I was not expecting and my perfect comeback would not have occurred to me until later, lying in bed, mulling it all over.

         I fantasized these conversations for hours every night – sometimes they riled me (why couldn't I say that to their face?!), and mostly they entertained me. After a while they began to worry me – is this what my life was going to be, fantasizing each evening the things I think I should have said during the day? It scared me to realize my life might never amount to anything more than that!

          Fortunately these conversations soon faded away and life had an almost complete inversion. Instead I worry about what I have said and why can't I shut the hell up!

          I think about a vow of silence – and how that would improve my listening skills – but then again, a vow of silence would include no writing and no thinking about what I would say or write when the vow of silence is over, and then I might not listen! I think about a one day a week vow of silence – and how selfish that would be to others around me – the lack of communication a total annoyance when it is not being a blissful blessing. So it remains a fantasy.

          And an irony. 

          While on the cusp of a full time immersion into storytelling, finally, I also imagine life with a vow of silence.

          When I wake up in the early mornings now, and I know sleep is probably over but the energy to get up and do something is just not there yet, instead of thinking about conversations that should have been, like I did when I was ten, I rehearse the next story I am going to tell. The energy spent working on a story is a tad more productive and true and with less self loathing. 

           But still the urge to not be expected to say anything still hovers.

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